Girlfriend

Girlfriend is the first part of Episode 3 of Series 1 of Dave the Barbarian. It features the first appearance of Princess Urmaplotz of Hydragloth, a half-evil magical princess, and Dave's first girlfriend.

Synopsis
Dave begins dating Princess Irmaplotz, but breaks up with her when he learns that she is evil. Irmaplotz is upset about the breakup and sends an army of filthy pixies to attack Udrogoth.

Plot
The story begins with Dave sprinting to the bookstore to pick up a book called "The Complete Works of Pedxing", considered to be the worst poetry ever written. After the storeowner proclaims how awful the book is (stating it caused him to go blind, made his left arm numb, and caused the loss of his legs), he then says he sold the last copy. Dave soon finds the owner - Princess Urmaplots of Hydragloth, who Dave takes an instant liking to. After soon realising they both share several interest, they both fall in love and begin a relationship.

However, when Dave tells his family about the funny things Urmaplotz says about "conquering the world", and "evil triumphing over good", they begin to suspect that she is an evil princess, to which Dave accusses them of being shallow.

Meanwhile, at her castle, Urmaplotz goes to tell her mother, Drogthara, Empress of Evil, about her date with Dave. Drogthara tells her that she must tell Dave that she is evil, as if Dave truly loves her, he'll accept her, and if not, she can always make his head explode.

Dave then appears on his unicycle, and Drogthara shoots him through the floor with her magic. She then leaves, to allow Urmaplotz to tell Dave that she is evil (but half-good on her father's side). In order to save their relationship, they both promise to try each other's way of living. Dave tries to be a little bit evil, by taking two samples of nutlog when the sign says take one. However, the guilt causes him to buy ten thousand boxes. Meanwhile, Urmaplotz tries to be a little bit good by returning a library book on time, but the book has the final page torn out. Dave then realises that, due to the worry of being hooked on evil, the relationship cannot last and breaks up with Urmaplotz. The princess does not take this well, and vows revenge.

Back at the castle, it turns out that Uncle Ozwidge has eaten all the nutlogs. He then says that he is glad that the breakup went well, as the last princess he broke up with sent a plague of filthy pixes to attack the kingdom. Just then, Urmaplotz appears through a magic portal, and sends a plague of filthy pixes to attack the kingdom. The pixies are indestructable - hitting them causes them to multiply.

As the heroes try to find a way to stop the pixies, Ozwidge spies Urmaplotz using the Pedxing book to force the pixies to continue. Dave then uses a "homemade" megaphone (using only string, a squirrel and a megaphone), and starts reciting poetry so awful, that the pixies flee in terror. As Urmaplotz appears to view the damage, she is shocked to see them fly past her into the portal at the sound of Dave's poetry. SHe commends Dave, as she cannot remember hearing such awful poetry in her life. When Dave tells her that he made it up himself, she says that someone who writes poetry that bad cannot be all good. When Dave asks if she means in a nice way, she leaves in anger, but leaves Dave the Pedxing book to remember her by - however, the last page is torn out.

Quotes

 * Dave: Um, excuse me. I ordered a book: "The Complete Poetic Works of Ped Xing?"
 * Elderly Clerk: Ped Xing!? [Screams.] That's the worst stuff ever written! Thirty years ago, I read one of his poems, and I've been blind ever since.
 * Dave: Well, I-I'm sorry you-
 * Numb Clerk: And my left arm is completely numb.
 * Dave: Well, I'm-
 * Elderly Clerk: And I lost both my legs.
 * Dave: [Looking under a table] Bu-but, you have legs.
 * Elderly Clerk: Oh, I found them eventually. Down in the sofa cushions.


 * Elderly Clerk: Ah! The book! The book! Heaven help us, the book! Yeah, I sold it two minutes ago.


 * [Princess Irmoplotz of Hyrogoth introduces herself to Dave]
 * Dave: Hyrogoth, ye-ah, yeah. I-I hear Hyrogoth. It has a lot of, ah, Daisies. There. In... Hyrogoth. [Thinking to himself.] How could I say anything so stupid!? Say something smart! Something Smart! [Speaking to Irmoplotz again.] I'm allergic to daisies, I get this terrible oozing rash- Oop!


 * [Dave and Irmoplotz talk about macrame owls.]
 * Dave: I call this one "Mr. Hooty!"
 * Irmoplotz: And I call mine "Sir Hootsworth McHootington the Third!"


 * Dave: Well, she's smart, and beautiful, and, uh, [chuckling] she says the funniest things, like, "I will conquer the world," and "Evil must triumph over good," you know, that kinda thing.


 * Dave: Oh, I see. Just 'cause she has a diabolical laugh, and commands legions of horrible zombies, and has "Evil Princess" embroidered on all of her hankies, you assume she's evil. That's so shallow!
 * Lula: I knew love was blind, but I didn't know it was stupid, too!


 * Narrator: Later, in Irmoplotz's evil castle.
 * Zonthara: Who is there?
 * Irmoplotz: Irmoplotz.
 * Zonthara: Irmoplotz who?
 * Irmoplotz: Mom, enough with the knock-knock jokes already!
 * Zonthara: What news did you bring for... ZONTHARA! EMPRESS OF EVIL!
 * Irmoplotz: I had another relationship date with Dave.
 * Zonthara: And have you told him that you are sworn to serve evil?!
 * Irmoplotz: Well... Not exactly.
 * Zonthara: PRINCESS IRMOPLOTZ! You can't base your relationship on dishonesty. If he really loves you, he'll love you for who you are, honey.
 * Irmoplotz: I guess.
 * Zonthara: And if he doesn't, you could always use your magic powers to make his head explode!


 * Irmoplotz: Mother, stop trying to disintegrate my boyfriend!


 * Irmoplotz: I do all the evil things: destroy civilizations, torment innocent people, return library books... late.


 * Irmoplotz: Dating rule number one: never break up with an evil princess!


 * Uncle Oswidge: Ugh... So many nutlogs... So little stomach.


 * Storyteller: And so Princess Irmoplotz does send an army of indestructible filthy pixies to destroy Udrogoth.
 * Fang: [Gasps] They're indestructible!
 * Storyteller: Yes, I... Just said that.


 * Irmaplotz: So Dave, if we cannot be together, you...will...pay! Mwahahahaha!!!
 * Dave: [amused] You're mad at me, aren't you?


 * Storyteller: And lo, the filthy pixies do rampage wildly through Udrogoth, destroying everything in their path, and getting nasty sticky little fingerprints all over the place!
 * Peasant Woman: [looks at her apron] Darn it! That's gonna need dry cleaning!


 * Storyteller: Thinking quickly, Dave constructs a homemade megaphone using only some string, a squirrel, and a megaphone.


 * Irmoplotz: Sorry, I-I don't like to wear my glasses when I'm committing unspeakable acts of evil. They make me look bookish.


 * Dave: I'm sure many of you are wondering why I tied a squirrel to a megaphone. Well, goodbye!