The Ballad of Badbeard

At Camp Phineas and Ferb, the kids discover the tale of Badbeard from Phineas' grandpa. So the kids decide to go on an epic pirate adventure to find the cursed treasure of Badbeard. But, according to the curse, whoever dares open it, "It's bad beards forever, dude." Candace, "hallucinating" on Orange Moss, stumbles upon Doofenshmirtz's and Perry's daily routine, which happens to be right under the kids' nose. This episode premiered April 12, 2008 on Disney Channel.

Summary
Early morning at Camp Phineas and Ferb, Clyde Flynn is playing the trumpet loudly around the tents. Inside Phineas and Ferb's tent, Phineas shoots upward, commenting that it "sounds like someone strangling a cat! It must be grandpa!" Him, Ferb, and Perry walk out of the tent, ready for the day. Exiting his and Buford's tent, Baljeet is coughing, exclaiming that he can't believe they ate the same food, to which Buford responds with a burp and a solemn "Believe it!" Walking up to her grandmother, Candace asks where the shower is, but Betty Jo Flynn replies sarcastically, implying this is a spa. Candace says she could do without the sarcasm.

After a little bit, Grandpa tells the kids breakfast is over, and it's time to go on their walk to Badbeard Lake. Phineas asks why the name is what it is, to which Grandpa responds by explaining the definition of a lake. Phineas states he means the "Badbeard" part, and so Grandpa explains it was named after Captain Badbeard, the most notorious freshwater pirate to ever plunder a lakeside community. The kids awe at this, and Grandpa goes on to explain Spleen Island, it's legendary curse, and Badbeard's stash of booty. Phineas remarks "Booty?" and so Grandpa explains it means treasure. The kids marvel at this word, and Grandpa colors one of the lenses in his glasses black to look like a pirate. He then starts singing the ballad of Badbeard with Buford playing the concertina.

After Phineas says that the song is very short, Grandpa remarks he didn't say it was much of a song. He then tells them to meet them on the trail in 5 minutes, and they salute him. Stretching out his overalls, Baljeet remarks that he "seems to be missing his underwear," to which Buford answers by laughing and pointing at the flagpole, with Baljeet's boxers waving in place of a flag. In 5 minutes, the kids, Grandpa and Grandma, and Candace are hiking up a hill. Grandpa starts explaining how to be safe on the trail, and brings up the dangers of the Orange Moss. As he explains it's properties, Candace begins getting bored and leans on an orange moss-filled tree, flipping open her cell phone. She complains about the lack of reception, as Grandpa ends his speech. Candace then realizes that she touched the moss, and then backs into the other tree, getting more moss on her skin. She then freaks out and runs off, screaming. Grandpa then points his wooden walking stick at Badbeard's Lake, and the kids are in awe. Grandpa then points at the center, where Spleen Island lies. He then states that the souls of the failed treasure hunters are lying in Davy Jone's locker. Phineas says that's cool. Grandpa then leads the kids down the dirt steps, singing the ballad as they go. Grandma stops and wonders where Candace is.

Perry is walking mindlessly through the forest, before hopping up and slapping on his fedora, picking up and pressing a button. When nothing happens, he looks around, and is surprised as Agent E swoops down and picks him up and into the sky. She lands in her bird's nest, laying Agent P down and placing on her fedora. A video communicator cracks out of an egg with Major Monogram on it. He greets Agent P, and thanks Agent E. Then he explains to Perry that they are undergoing remodeling, and that his wife is doing it in a Mexican-Country style. Agent E then tries to feed Major Monogram's egg, and he tells her to back off. Once she does, he tells Perry that E spotted Heinz Doofenshmirtz on Spleen Island and is moving boxes into the "Cave of the Old Sea Hag." They believe he is making a new hideout, and Perry needs to stop him.

On the tree across from them, Candace has her fingers over her eyes binocular-style and sees Perry salute. Acting hallucinogenic, she comments on the "messed up" happenings in the across nest. She then passes it off that it is the cause of the moss and she is hallucinating. She then wonders how she got up on the tree, and violently falls down, crashing into branches and landing in a bush, coughing. She then sees Agent E fly by and drop off Perry at the docks. Candace then accidentally gets her ankle caught in a rope attached to the wet ski that Perry darts off in. Candace then sees a talking zebra rocking in a rocking chair, who calls her Kevin. She then flies off along with Perry.

At the lakeside beach, Baljeet and Buford are dueling with wooden swords like pirates, while Isabella, Phineas, and Ferb sit inside the boat. Grandpa jogs up, and Phineas decided that they should sail to Spleen Island and find Badbeard's treasure. Grandpa encourages them, and tells him of his youth, when he, attracted by the excitement, searched for the treasure. But then, he "discovered girls and the rest is a blur." Though he didn't find the treasure, he did find the map, and so he pulls it out of his hat. Buford, still dueling with Baljeet, stops and remarks to the treasure. Baljeet hits him in the rear, and then scared runs away from the angry Buford. Grandpa explains then that the treasure comes with a curse, and whoever dares to open it will be cursed with bad beards forever! The kids like this, and Grandpa says he's going to go look for Grandma.

Candace is imagining a psychedelia backdrop around her and multi-colored oozing hair as she flaps behind Perry's wet ski. But in reality, she is banging very violently on the water screaming, as Perry ventures inside the Cave of the Old Sea Hag. Ferb unrolls the map on a metal stand. Phineas moves his pointer along the map, commenting on the bad-sounding locations they need to dock through. He then turns and remarks that it sounds delightful. Commenting it's should be "easy-peasy," he says they have to remake Grandpa's "old dinghy." He ask Ferb if he has any ideas, and so he unveils a gigantic, large-shadow casting diagram of a first class pirate ship, and Phineas marks it as impressive.

Perry, meanwhile, zooms inside the cave, as Candace, covered in seaweed, crawls up laughing onto a boulder in the water. She sees Perry very slowly, and laughs insanely. Perry opens a purple door on the wall, and runs inside. Doofenshmirtz asks if it's the cable guy, picking and capturing Perry in a robotic arm. He walks up to him, looking at a piece of paper, complaining that they don't carry the evil science channel, before realizing it's Perry. He yells at him to cut him a break, that he's moving legally. He bought it cheap, and explains that it apparently is haunted by a "terrifying old sea-hag." He says that just because he's evil doesn't mean everything he does is evil. Perry stares him down disbelievingly, and so Doofenshmirtz says he'll show him evil if he wants to.

On Badbeard Lake, the ship, now just like Ferb's plans, is sailing down the blue. Phineas slams out of the captain's deck, and the group starts singing a longer version of the ballad. After that, the gang mounts onto the island from a small rowboat. They step up mountain side steps, and enter the Tunnel of Doom. Inside, water is leaking, and Ferb is holding up the map as he leads them. Isabella asks Phineas if they're sure their going the right way, and Phineas assures her Ferb has the map and knows where they're going. The Map then flutters off of the cliff side. Phineas tries to assure them, and they then stand across of a rickety bridge. Phineas tests it out, and says it's fine. But when all of them go on the bridge at once, the bridge collapses and they fall through a tunnel onto a giant lizard.

The lizard extends itself and the kids jump off onto a cliff, and run as the beast chases them. They go through dangerous paths, and at one point over a two-part cliff, where Isabella yells at Buford for playing around with "nifty hand puppets" They continue to run, and slow down, ending up in a cavern similar to the tunnel of doom. Isabella asks if they really are in the right place, and Buford asks the possibility of no treasure. Baljeet considers the real treasure to be that of friendship and adventure, but the others ignore him, Phineas pointing to a giant door with a red "X" on it to his left. Entering it they see the chest, and Phineas volunteers to open it. Isabella is scared, and Buford reminds him of the curse, followed by Baljeet saying "You don't even have a chin!" Phineas opens the chest, and reveals that it is full of tacky (or "bad") fake beards, wearing one himself. In Doofenshmirtz's new lair, he has Perry hovered over a hatch, and opens the hatch to reveal two crocodiles named "Susan and Susan", after each other. As they snap at Perry, Candace walks up, laughing crazily and covered in seaweed. Doofenshmirtz yells, scared, that it's the sea hag, and backs off as Candace calls him "the pharmacist!" He trips and sends the button to the floor, Perry now free to escape. Candace tells him she's getting something from the vending machine, though actually pointing to the self destruct button. Perry tries to stop her, but she clicks the button wanting beef jerky. The alarm rings, and Perry darts off with her to get off the island. Doofenshmirtz struggles to keep the Susans from eating him.

The kids marvel at the beards, all wearing them, as rumbles start to happen from the self destruct. They grab as much beards as they can, running off with them to the exit of the cavern. The lizard is still clawing at the entrance to the cavern, and chases after them. But he gets stuck as they shoot through a tunnel hastily, seeing the ship through a hole. They slid out and onto the rowboat, sailing away to the ship. Perry keeps running down a tunnel with Candace, jumping off a cliff and into a water-rush, which leads to a waterfall. The two fall out, Agent E grabbing them and flying away, dropping them onto the boy's ship. The island falls into the deep. The kids awe at the amazingness of what just happened, as Candace asks Perry (now back to looking mindless) where his hat went. Phineas tells Ferb that it was a great trip, and Ferb remarks it as "perhaps the greatest pirate story ever told."

Grandpa, wearing a purple beard, agrees back at the campsite with this, and inside the tent, Grandma asks Candace (both now wearing beards) how's she feeling. She says she feels better, and then says she needs to stay away from the orange moss. Grandma explains it's actually the blue moss that makes you hallucinate. She says that everything must have been in her head - "the power of suggestion" - and walks off. Candace then accidentally puts her hand in blue moss, and hallucinates the zebra again, who tells her "I love the beard, 'Kevin'."

Songs
The Ballad of Badbeard

Characters in the episode

 * Phineas
 * Ferb
 * Candace
 * Perry
 * Heinz Doofenshmirtz
 * Isabella
 * Major Monogram
 * Betty Jo Flynn
 * Clyde Flynn
 * Baljeet
 * Buford
 * Fireside Girls (all except Katie)

Background information

 * The zebra Candace sees later appears in "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted" and "Nerds of a Feather".
 * This episode marks the first time Candace sees Perry wearing his hat.
 * This marks the second appearance of the boys' maternal grandparents, Betty Jo Flynn and Clyde Flynn.
 * The Ballad of Badbeardand Truck Drivin' Girl are the only song in which Ferb's actual voice is heard, as all of the other songs he sings (Backyard Beach, Big Ginormous Airplane, Spa Day (song)), he has a different voice. (Note that Ferb singing in The Ballad of Badbeard is not so much singing as rhythmic talking.)

Production Information

 * This episode appears to take place the day after "Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!", because all of the kids and Candace are still at the Grandparents' "camp" and it is said that they only go there once a summer. Phineas' reaction to the bugled wake-up call and Candace's search for a shower appear to support this. (Dan Povenmire notes over in the Dan Povenmire Correspondence area on the Phineas and Ferb wiki that episodes are not being told in a straight chronological order.)

Allusions to other Disney Media

 * Captain Blackbeard: "Badbeard" is an obvious parody of the infamous Captain Blackbeard.
 * Alice in Wonderland:The Talking Zebra may refer to the Cheshire Cat from the 1951 version of Alice in Wonderland.
 * Phineas and Ferb's ship has a small resemblance to the Black Pearl in Pirates of the Caribbean.