- First line'
- [A shark slowly approaches a worm, who frantically struggles to get free of his line; he comes up behind him and prepares to eat him; the worm then turns around and has a shocked face when he sees the shark, who then reveals himself as Lenny]
- Lenny: Hi! I'm Lenny!
- [The worm faints]
- Lenny: Oh! Little buddy, did I scare ya? I'm sorry!
- [Lenny puts the worm in his fins and pokes him in an attempt to wake him up]
- Lenny: Wake up. Wake up. Okay, don't worry about it, I'll get you out in a jiffy. Keep holding your breath, little wormy.
- [As Lenny tries to get the worm out, he sticks his tongue out; Lenny's older brother Frankie calls for Lenny]
- Frankie: Yo, Lenny!
- Lenny: Uh... I'm comin', Frankie!
- Frankie: Move it. Come on. Pop's waiting.
- [Lenny goes back to getting the worm out]
- Lenny: Here we go. And gotcha. Okay, buddy, you're free. Now escape. Just go. Cry freedom. (shrieks) Oh. You almost gave me a heart attack.
- Frankie: Lenny, what are you doing?
- Lenny: Well, I was just...picking you some flowers.
- [Frankie slaps the flowers]
- Lenny: Hey, Mom says it's not OK to hit. (cries out when Frankie slaps him)
- Frankie: Mom's not here.
- Oscar: Hey, Crazy Joe!
- Crazy Joe: Now you live in a great penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?
- Oscar: That's a billboard, Crazy Joe.
- Crazy Joe: You live in a billboard? And they call mecrazy!
- Don Lino: I bring you in here, look you in the eye, tell you what's what. And what?
- Sykes: What?
- Don Lino: What "What"?
- Sykes: "What what" nothin'. You said "What" first.
- Don Lino: I didn't say "What" first. I asked you "What".
- Sykes: No, you said "And then what?", and I said "What?"
- Don Lino: [Confused] No I said "What what," like what "what"!
- Sykes: [pause] You said "What" first.
- Don Lino: [Annoyed] Now you're makin' fun of me?!
- Sykes: No, no, no, no, you misunderstood!
- [Lenny and Frankie enter]
- Frankie: Sorry we're late, pop. Lenny had an accident.
- [Lenny hops onto his seat]
- Frankie: He was born! [laughs]
- Lenny: [laughs sarcastically] You're a comic genius.
- Sykes: Look, all I'm saying is the kid ain't exactly no killer.
- Don Lino: My Lenny is a killer. Ya hear me? A cold-blooded killer! Look at him!
- [Lino and Sykes both see Lenny swirling around gleefully in his seat; Frankie shakes his head, annoyed]
- Sykes: Huh?
- Don Lino: [Furious] That's it! That is it! You are OUT!
- Sykes: [shocked] What?!
- [Sykes gets inflated, and his voice changes to a much higher tone]
- Sykes: [in a high-pitched voice] Whaddya mean I'm out?
- Don Lino: You're fired! [hits Sykes, who screams as he flies across the room and sticks to the wall] And on top of that, you're gonna have to start payin' me!
- Sykes: For what?!
- Don Lino: So nothin' happens to that little Whale Wash of yours!
- Bernie: Ernie, let me ask you a question.
- Ernie: Yea mon, go on.
- Bernie: Why is it that mollusks can sting other people, but they have no effect on me or you?
- [Bernie tries to shock Oscar, but ends up shocking Ernie instead]
- Ernie: AAAAHHHH!!! [falls to ground screaming and releasing sparks.]
- Bernie: Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie! I didn't mean it, mon! Ernie! Oh poor Ernie!
- [Ernie laughs, revealing that he wasn't affected by the shock at all]
- Bernie: Ernie, you made a joke! Good one, mon. Respect.
- Ernie: Respect. [gives a high-five]
- [When Frankie got crushed by an anchor while he was chasing Oscar, Lenny sees his brother lying on the ground and gasped]
- Lenny: Frankie!
- [Lenny moves the anchor off of Frankie's back and throws it on the ground]
- Frankie: Lenny... [coughing] Lenny, is that you?
- Lenny: I'm here, Frankie.
- Frankie: Come here.
- Lenny: Yes, what is it, Frankie?
- Frankie: I'm so cold.
- Lenny: That's just because we're cold-blooded.
- [Frankie slaps Lenny]
- Lenny: Ow!
- Frankie: Moron. [passes away]
- Lenny: Frankie, no. NOOO!!! [sobbing] This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Frankie! How am I going to explain this to Pop? Oh, no! [swims away and passes Oscar, who squeaks and lands in front of the now-deceased Frankie.]
- Oscar: [finds Frankie dead behind him, thinks he's alive, and starts yelling crazily] WATCH IT! BACK UP! I'M CRAZY! I BE TRIPPIN'! [makes karate moves and noises until he accidentally kicks Bernie]
- Bernie: Ow! What the--?!
- [Oscar, Ernie, and Bernie all scream simultaneously; Oscar hides behind Frankie]
- Bernie: Don't hurt us! We're sorry! It was all Ernie's idea! [Ernie nods, then looks at Bernie angrily]
- Ernie: Oscar?
- Bernie: Did you kill that shark?
- Oscar: [looks down at Frankie before having an idea]Uh, yeah. Exactly how it looks; that's how it is.
- Oscar: Do you hear them, Lenny?! They are going crazy, man! They love us!
- Lenny: They love you. They hate me!
- Oscar: [shocked] What?!
- Lenny: Can we switch sides? Maybe I can be the Fishslayer! They'll never see it comin'!
- Oscar: Come on, man! Look. You sell this, you'll never have to go home again! You could start a new life![Lenny nods his head understandingly] Now gimme a growl!
- Lenny: Okay. [purrs; he then clears his throat and roars loudly in Oscar's face] Like that?
- Oscar: That was... pretty good!
- [Oscar has just made his way out of Lenny's jaw and is striking a manly post for the crowds.]
- Oscar: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
- [The crowd cheers]
- Oscar: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
- [The crowd cheers]
- Oscar: YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!
- [The crowd cheers; Angie raises her eyebrows.]
- [Oscar finds out from Luca that Don Lino had captured Angie in order to force a sit-down]
- Oscar: They got Angie. And they want a sit-down. I never meant for anybody to get hurt, especially not Angie. This is all my fault.
- Sykes: That's a classic move. I've seen it a thousand times.
- Lenny: They take the thing you love the most, and then they use it against you.
- Oscar: [after a moment of silence] Look, we gotta go to that sit-down, and we gotta save her.
- Lenny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I wanna save Angie, too. But I can't just waltz in there and say, 'Hi, Pop, I'm a dolphin!'"
- Sykes: Lenny?
- Lenny: "And my friend the Sharkslayer here's a fake!"
- Sykes: Fake?
- Lenny: Come on, we're gonna need a better plan than that!
- Sykes: [laughs] This is a joke, right? This is a joke. Because you know, I told Lino... [suddenly flashes back to his phone call with Lino]
- Sykes: [over phone] Shut up, Lino. Shut up! [Don Lino growls]
- [After flashback, Sykes inflates in a fit of panic]
- Sykes: [in a high-pitched voice] Tell me you didn't make it all up, kid! Tell me that's not Lenny! Tell me you're a real Sharkslayer, please!
- Oscar: [sadly] I'm sorry, Sykes. I'm not. [his mood suddenly brightens] But the sharks don't know that...
- Oscar: I AM NOT A REAL SHARKSLAYER!!!!!!!!!! I lied.
- Lino: [shocked] What?
- Crazy Joe: [tearfully] And I'm not a real financial adviser!
- Oscar: [awkwardly] Okay... [to Lino] It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it, and neither did Lenny.
- Lino: [to Lenny] If that's true, why did you run away?
- Lenny: Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.
- Oscar: [to Lino] What is your problem?! So your son likes kelp, so his best friend is a fish, so he likes to dress like a dolphin! So what?! Everybody loves him, just the way he is. Why can't you? Don't make the same mistake that I did. I didn't know what I had... until I lost it.
- [Unnoticed by him, Angie looks moved in the background]
- Lino: [close to tears] Will you get me outta this, so I can hug my kid, and tell him I'm sorry?
- [Oscar frees Lino and Lenny from the Whale Wash machines]
- Lino: Come here, you. [hugs Lenny] I love you, son. No matter what you eat, or how you dress.
[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar]
- Oscar: Don't... swallow!
- Lenny: Oscar?
- Oscar:: No, it's Pinocchio. OF COURSE IT'S ME! Why did you do that?!
- Lenny: I'm sorry...
- Oscar: No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theater! Yeah, that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you say "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just FAT! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!
- Lenny: Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...
- Oscar: Oh, no, no, no, no... Lenny, just open up, nice and easy.
- Lenny: SHHH! He could be anywhere!
- Oscar: Who?
- Lenny: The Shark Slayer...
- Oscar: [laughs] There's no Shark Slayer.
- Lenny: Tchee-he-ha-ha, yes, there is!
- Oscar: Tchee-he-ha-ha, no, there is NOT! Trust me on this one!
- Lenny: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN! This is no time to act crazy!
- Oscar: Hey, you're the one acting crazy, crazy!
- Don Lino: What do you mean you don't understand? What's there to understand. We've been over this 1,000 times. I don't want to have to say it again. You know, you're really giving me agita, you know that. I don't know what else to say this. Lenny, you see something, you kill it, you eat it. Period.
(waiter offers him a snack)
- Don Lino: Thanks. That's what sharks do. That's a fine tradition. What's the matter with you? Your brother, Frankie, here, he's a killer.
- Frankie: Thanks, Pop.
- Don Lino: But, you, I'm hearing things. You gotta understand when you look weak, it makes me look weak.
- Lenny: I know.
- Don Lino: I can't have that.
- Lenny: Pop, I'm sorry.
- Don Lino: Lenny. Lenny, look at me. This hand over for business is for both of us and you're acting like you don't even want it. I need to know you can handle it.
(Don Lino plucks a shrimp)
- Don Lino: Alright, alright. Right here in front of me now, eat this.
[Sykes is talking to Lino over the phone]
- Oscar: Sykes, shut up! SHUT... UP!
- Sykes: Hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! Shut up! Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.
- Oscar: [Whispers] No. I'm not here. I'm not here!
- Sykes: Yeah, he's right here.
- [He hands Oscar the phone]
- Oscar: Hello?
- Don Lino: [Furious] Shut up? Shut up?! You don't tellME "Shut up"! I tell YOU "Shut up"!
- [As he talks beeping is heard on the other side of the phone]
- Don Lino: What? Hello?
- Luca: Hey, howya doin'? Lemme have a pie with everything on it. Anchovies, Meatballs, Mushrooms-
- Don Lino: [Startled] Luca?
- Luca: Oh, hi, Boss. What are you doin' workin' at a pizza joint?
- Don Lino: GET OFF THE PHONE!
- Luca: But I'm hungry!
- [Luca reluctantly hangs up; Lino shakes his head in frustration, then returns his attention to Oscar]
- Don Lino: My guys are comin' for you, Shark Slayer! THEY'RE GONNA TEAR YOU FIN FROM FIN!
- [Lino slams the phone down hanging up too]
- Oscar: Alright, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out I got a small thing to take care of.
- Angie: Oh, yeah? What's that?
- Oscar: SHARKS... ARE COMING... TO GET ME!
- Angie: And they should! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?!
- Oscar: Uh... yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...
- Lenny: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this!
- Oscar: Hey, too late now, Veggie Boy, they'll be looking for you too!
- Lenny: Point taken. What's the plan?
- Don Lino: Luca.
(Luca tries to fix the recorder, but it starts playing "Baby Got Back")
- Radio: #I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers... (Luca quickly turns off the recorder)
- Luca: Hey, boss. Big butts. (chuckles)
- Don Lino: Oy vey!
i like cats