The Adolescent Song is a musical number from the Nightmare Ned video game. It is heard in the Bathroom nightmare, after Ned Needlemeyer enters a room with three fun house mirrors. The reflections sing a song about what growing up is like. Though Ned finds it unsettling, he thinks the song is lame.


Ned: (spoken) What is this? Some kind of gorilla?

Hairy Ned: Ain't no gorilla,
ain't no grizzly bear,
I'm what you're gonna be someday.

Ned: (spoken) No way!

Hairy Ned: So fuzzy and so furry everywhere.
That's right, my boy,
and you'll have so much hair
that your mom won't even know ya.
She'll scream, "Get away from me!"

Ned: (spoken) She will?

Hairy Ned: Yeah. And that's the truth
on just how growing up is gonna be.

Tall Ned: Bet you wish you were dreaming.

Ned: (spoken) Yeah.

Tall Ned: No chance.
You are gonna be twelve feet tall.

Ned: (spoken) Oh no!

Tall Ned: And everyone will
look like tiny ants.
Much like the Eiffel Tower wearing pants.

Ned: (spoken) Aah!

Tall Ned: You're so shrimpy now, kid,
don't ya wanna grow up tall?

Ned: (spoken) Not that tall!

Tall Ned: Well, that's how growing up
will be, and that's not all.

Ned: (spoken) It's not?

Zit Ned: Your cute little dimples
will turn to little pimples
going pop, pop, pop...

Ned: (spoken) Stop!

Zit Ned: Pop, pop, pop!

Ned: (spoken) Stop!

Zit Ned: You won't get a warning,
and every single morning
you will find a brand-new crop.

Ned: (spoken) Stop!

Zit Ned: But the worst part of it is...

Ned: (spoken) What?

Zit Ned: Nobody else is gonna look like this.

Funhouse Neds: You'll try ointments, creams, and gels,
but you'll still be different from everyone else!

Ned: (spoken) Wait a minute.
Nobody comes out looking like that!

Funhouse Neds: No, no, nobody but you, poor guy.

Ned: (spoken) You're just trying to scare me.

Funhouse Neds: No, we're not!
But hey, if you believe it's all a lie,
you can go ahead and think so,
’cause someday you will know it's true.

Ned: (spoken) I will, huh?

Funhouse Neds: You'll look into the mirror...

Ned: (spoken) Yeah?

Funhouse Neds: And it will all be clearer.

Ned: (spoken) Sure.

Funhouse Neds: You'll know the awful things
that growing up can do to you!

Ned: (spoken) No way.

v - e - d
Nightmare Ned logo
Nightmare Ned (video game)Nightmare Ned (TV series)
Ned Needlemeyer • Ed Needlemeyer • Mrs. Needlemeyer • Amy Needlemeyer • Ted Needlemeyer • Conrad and Vernon • Ms. Bundt • Joanie • Sally • Dr. Klutzchnik • Billy Blatfield • Shadow Creatures
"Ned's Life as a Dog" • "A Doll's House" • "Robot Ned" • "Dapper Dan" • "Monster Ned" • "Ants" • "Magic Bus" • "Until Undeath Do Us Part" • "Headless Lester" • "My, How You've Grown" • "Tooth or Consequences" • "Show Me the Infidel" • "Willie Trout" • "House of Games" • "Girl Trouble" • "Canadian Bacon" • "Abduction" • "Bad Report Card" • "Testing... Testing..." • "The Accordion Lesson" • "Along for the Ride" • "Steamed Vegetables" • "Lucky Abe" • "The Dentist" • "The Ballad of Conrad and Vernon"
The Quilt
The Math LessonThe Rat TangoAdolescent Song(I Ain't Your Baby) I'm Your Uvula
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