"If I Can't Have Christmas" is a song featured in the Big City Greens episode "Green Christmas". It is performed by Cricket Green following his revelation that "nothing [he] does matters" regarding doing good deeds. He decides that rather than trying to be good so that Santa Claus can bring him gifts, he will resort to his mischievous antics to ruin Christmas for everyone else.
I tried my best at helping folks,
But I've run out of time.
My nice list hopes, gone up in smoke
As bells of judgement chime.
I see now that I'm doomed.
My gift-wrapped ship has sank.
So I shall resume my Christmas pranks!
I'll trip up this dip, I'll make this guy slide!
Don’t bother me, cause I’m fresh out of pride!
I’ll hand out free candy,
Bestow loads of cocoa.
You'll wonder out load how could I stoop so low!
It's a simple fact, a secret I'll spill.
If I can’t have Christmas, nobody will!
I'll throw all my snowballs with impunity,
Advance avalanches on the community,
And make folks obey them.
This season's colors are mischief and mayhem,
Toboggans on noggins and butts fulla nuts,
Snowmen I stabbed in their tinselstring guts,
Displays in dismay and socks spouting trout!
If you don't get it yet,
Then let me spell it out,
Being nice is a bore and naughty's a thrill,
If I can't have Christmas, nobody will!