According to Bret McKenzie, "it's a conversation put to music, and actually started out as dialogue from the film."
Gonzo's testimony, as well as several other little pieces of the song, are absent in the theatrical release, but reinstated in the extended version.
Italics indicate lyrics only on the album version and the extended version of the movie.
- Sam: Kermit, let's begin
Describe the day you played Berlin
- Constantine (pretending to be Kermit): We rehearsed and then we walked about
We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut
- Jean Pierre: That night, at 10:03
Were you inside the portrait gallery?
- Constantine: From 10:00 to 10:04
Was when we did the show's encore
- Sam: Hm, frog, we've got our doubts
Can you confirm your whereabouts?
- Constantine: My alibi is watertight
The audience saw me sing all night
- Jean Pierre: Monsieur, we know you did the crime
- Constantine: I was onstage that whole time
Ask who sang Rainbow Connection.
- Sam and Jean Pierre: Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!
- Jean Pierre (spoken): Hello! I think it's time for good cop/romantic cop.
- Miss Piggy, you cleaned up lock inside
Now's your chance to save your hide
- Miss Piggy: Oh, gentlemen, I did not know
It's a crime to steal the show
- Sam: Tell us how the art was taken
- Jean Pierre: If you want to save your bacon
- Miss Piggy: I haven't seen your missing art
All I stole was audience hearts
- Sam: We can give you a plea deal
- Jean Pierre: All you have to do is squeal
- Miss Piggy: I'm not a thief, I don't know how
All I've ever taken is a bow
- Jean Pierre: We'll catch the swine that did this job
- Miss Piggy: Give up the pig puns, creep!
Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!
- Sam and Jean Pierre: Thank you, Piggy! No more questions!
- Jean Pierre (spoken): I think she likes me, no?
- Sam (spoken): I don't think your puns are helping the investigation.
- Jean Pierre: You know, I think they did it
- Sam: No, they didn't!
- Jean Pierre: Yes, they did, and we can pin it
- Sam: If they did, how did they do it?
- Jean Pierre: If they didn't, how did they didn't?
- Sam: If they didn't, then it's easy
'Cause they simply didn't do it
- Jean Pierre: If they did it, then I knew it
But we've nothing that can prove it!
- (spoken): Ahem. Oh excuse me. Bring in the purple guy with the schnoz.
- Sam: Do you remember what you did
On the night you played Madrid?
- Gonzo: I was hit by a raging bull
And rushed off-stage to the hospital
- Jean Pierre: Gonzo, what do you know
About the sculpture theft at Madrid's Prado?
- Gonzo: I never saw the stolen bust
I spent the night in bed concussed
- Sam: The truth, Gonzo, the clock is ticking
- Gonzo: If you don't believe me, ask the chicken
Camilla was there, she'll cooperate
- Jean Pierre: Madam, are you willing to corroborate?
- Camilla: (clucking)
- Sam: Will somebody get this chicken out of here?
- Gonzo: Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection
- Sam and Jean Pierre: Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!
- Jean Pierre: Let's go from the start
What do you know about the stolen art?
- Lew Zealand: I didn't know there was a plan
- Dr. Teeth: Your accusation's far out, man!
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: The chances of us committing a crime
Are less than .009
- The Swedish Chef: (Faux-Swedish)
- Jean Pierre: To help with our investigation
Can you do a full translation?
- Translator/Beaker: What the chef just said to you was "Shnoopdy-shnoopdy-shnoo." It's not Swedish.
- Animal: (grunts and laughs)
- Penguins: (quacking)
- Fozzie Bear: Uh, I can do an Elvis impression
- Sam and Jean Pierre: Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!
- Jean Pierre: They didn't
- Sam: No, they didn't
- Jean Pierre: There's no way they did the crime
- Sam: They couldn't, they're too stupid
- Jean Pierre: They're not criminal masterminds
- Sam: We do not know who did it
But we know they didn't do it
- Jean Pierre and Sam: So we know who didn't do it
Yes, we know who didn't do it!
- Jean Pierre (spoken): They're incapable of being culpable.