The song is set in Gaston's Tavern as Gaston and LeFou reveal their plan to D'Arque, the Asylum caretaker. Some productions, such as the 2010 tour, however, have cut the number, and the scene is left as the dialogue.
Gaston: There's a danger I'll be thwarted
And denied my honeymoon
For the pretty thing I've courted
Refuses to swoon
So, the time has come for a murky plan
For which I turn to a murky man
LeFou: To find that fiend
Both: Where better than
The Maison des Lunes?
Gaston: I don't take this girl for granted
There's no path I haven't hewn
To her heart; no seed unplanted
No flowers unstrewn
But quite amazing to relate
She doesn't want me for her mate
LeFou: Which forces him to contemplate
Both: The Maison des Lunes
Monsieur D'Arque: I don't wish to seem a tad obtuse
But I don't see how I can be of use
For I lock people up; I'm not a "Lonely Heart's club"
I'm a cold, cold fish
I've a nasty, vicious streak
LeFou: Please speak!
Gaston: It's Belle's father who's your client
She adores the old buffoon
She'll be forced to be complaint
LeFou: She'll dance to your tune
Gaston: We get the daughter through her dad
You just pronounce the old boy mad
LeFou: And, whoosh! He's slammed up in your pad--
LeFou, D'Arque: The Maison des Lunes
Gaston: Do I make myself entirely clear?
D'Arque: It's the simplest deal of my whole foul career!
Gaston: Put Maurice away and she'll be here in moments
In a dreadful state
She'll capitulate to me!
D'Arque: I'll be strapping up an inmate
LeFou: Very tightly
Gaston: Very soon
D'Arque: But please don't bring him late
Our check-in time's noon!
LeFou, D'Arque: So, wave one bachelor goodbye
Gaston: She'll be my bride
LeFou: She'd rather die
Than have her daddy ossify?
D'Arque: In my sordid saloon
All: So book the church; raise the glasses high
To the Maison des Lunes!