"My Fair Goalie" is an episode of Phineas and Ferb.
When Ferb's cousins visit from England and challenge him to a soccer match, he and Phineas warp the walls of physics and build a high tech 3D stadium. Meanwhile, convinced that her relationship with Jeremy depends on her being more proper, Candace enlists the help of Ferb's British cousin, Eliza, to teach her the rules of etiquette. Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., Dr. Doofenshmirtz is sick in bed but forces himself to set off his "If-A-Tree-Fell-in-the-Forest-Inator", which causes any tree that falls to say his name.
Ferb's cousins from England come to Danville to see the British football team, the Sniffleton Nostrils vs. the Danville football team. Lawrence introduces them to Phineas; Lawrence's brother/Ferb's uncle Adrian, his wife Lucy, and their kids Beckham, Beckham, Pelé, Beckham, Pelé, and Eliza (Middle name Beckham).
Lawrence and Adrian go and continue their good-natured sibling rivalry while their wives watching and Eliza goes to Candace's room. Beckham and Beckham comment on Ferb living America for so long, wondering if he's gone "Yank" on them. Phineas proceeds to tell them how he's still as British as ever, and Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet walk into the backyard. Baljeet returns Ferb's cowboy hat, baseball glove, banjo CDs, American Flag unitard, and bald eagle, as well as Phineas' sack. Buford comments on how he doesn't realize Ferb is British. Blond Beckham bets Ferb doesn't even play football anymore. Buford shows them an American football and says that what he's holding is a real football. Phineas says how Ferb has gotten them all into football. Isabella mentions seeing Ferb play a game of soccer with a pumpkin without breaking it. Blond Beckham and his brothers challenge Phineas and Ferb with their friends to a football match. Phineas says they should play "Football X-7" rules, to which Blond Beckham responds "That's only theoretical!". Phineas says they'll make it anyway and wonders if Perry wants to play, realizing he's gone missing. Blond Beckham wonders who Perry is.
In Perry's lair, Major Monogram is on the screen sick. He says he thinks Carl got him sick, and says he received a message from Doofenshmirtz calling in sick. Monogram is angry at Doofenshmirtz calling in sick because both he and Carl are still there, even though he'd rather be "at home watching Ducky Momo". Monogram tells Agent P to go get Doofenshmirtz feeling better so Agent P can stop him from doing evil.
In Candace's room, Jeremy is performing a song to Candace and Eliza. Eliza enjoys the song. Jeremy says his favorite bands are British and how he's an Anglophile. Candace says she thought his family was from Wisconsin and Eliza reassures her by mentioning an Anglophile is just someone who likes English things. Jeremy has to go to help her mother, but before he leaves, mentions liking Eliza's accent. Candace freaks out and thinks her relationship with Jeremy depends on her becoming more British-like and proper. She tells Eliza that she needs her to help her. Eliza reluctantly agrees. In the living room, Lawrence and his brother are holding their breath. Lawrence finally needs to breathe after a few seconds. Adrian bets he can make himself sick eating prawny puffs before Lawrence can, to which Lawrence responds "Carnival ride sick or emergency room sick?"
A Video shown an informational video from the SMPG (Sweaty Man Playing Games) Network, "Football X-7: Theoretical Speculative Conjecture or Not That What We Just Said, with the Conjecture thing...?". It includes the background and history of the game, including its original theory from Professor Ross Eforp, and how it's played. It mentions the numerous failures until the discovery of Professor Ross Eforp's name is a palindrome. The anti-Palindrome atmosphere of the 1950s led to Professor Ross Eforp going into hiding. The video ends by saying that Football X-7 is impossible. Phineas, however, begs to differ, and he decides to build the first functioning Football X-7 stadium. Beckham thinks they are "completely mad, the lot of them". Ferb is shown going into deep thought including a herd of emu.
In Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, Doofenshmirtz is sick on his couch with tissues everywhere. Perry brings him some chicken soup and notices an -inator. Doofenshmirtz mentions planning on doing evil today but doesn't think he will because he feels too sick. He takes his temperature, 103°, and shows Perry the pre-recorded rehearsal of his monologue. He talks about philosophers asking about trees falling in the forest and whether or not they make sounds. "The answer is, of course it does. What they should be asking is 'What sound does it make?'". He says the If-A-Tree-Fell-In-The-Forest-Inator will make anything it hits fall over and say "Doofenshmirtz" in a whispering tone. Doofenshmirtz pushes a button and a trap falls, not on Agent P, but on the other side of the room. He slowly gets up to activate his -inator.
Candace watches her brothers build their Football X-7 stadium, but Eliza tells her that tattling isn't ladylike. Eliza also mentions how ladies have to be completely vertically straight. She proceeds to tell her more and more about being a lady, in song. Finally, Phineas and Ferb have constructed their Football X-7 stadium. Now it's all down to the actual game. Phineas notes Ferb's disappearance and they all gasp. Phineas and Isabella look directly at the viewer while Phineas says "We'll be right back".
Phineas explains Ferb having a soccer problem that began right before Summer began. He shows a flashback of the morning it happened, on the soccer field. The other team had kicked the ball out of bounds, and Ferb grabbed it. Suddenly, a herd of emu charge through and carry off the assistant coach. Ferb simply drops the ball and walks away. Ferb hadn't played football since. Tall brown-haired Beckham doesn't blame him, because of the Emu Curse, which states that if you're holding the ball, and a herd of emu carries off your assistant coach, you're cursed to never be on a winning team again. The only way to break the curse is to have a boy in a Sunday bonnet sing the note E flat over high C in front of the cursed one. Phineas asks Buford for a piccolo, to which Buford responds "Aah! Someday, someone's gonna ask me for some obscure musical instrument, and it ain't gonna be there. What's gonna happen then?" then plays the note on his piccolo.
Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, Perry is thwarting Doofenshmirtz's scheme even though he's sick. Inside the Football X-7 stadium, Phineas shows everyone around it. He explains how you can literally walk on walls. However, Ferb is still missing and they can't play. The door opens and there is a cloud of smoke and a vaguely Ferb-like silhouette. It turns out to be Irving in a referee uniform with a bucket of dry ice on his head. He also brought Ferb with him. They play the game, scoring a tied total of 4-4.
Jeremy goes to the Football X-7 stadium dressed nicely and pushes the elevator button, to be greeted by Candace dressed like a proper lady. They go into the high tea room. Jeremy is interested in the kids' game of Football X-7. Candace is shown to have no interest at all in their childish games. Eliza walks in and asks Jeremy if Candace looks lovely, to which he responds "I can't say I've seen better posture". Jeremy and Candace go to have some tea at a table. Jeremy comments on Candace's lack of desire to bust Phineas and Ferb.
Back in the living room, Adrian and Lawrence are both shown wearing a large amount of shirts. Lawrence is having trouble putting on his last shirt, and eventually gives up. Adrian gloats that he can wear more shirts than Lawrence can. Linda talks to Lawrence and tells him that he has seen him put on more shirts than that. Lawrence explains that he lets his brother win because it makes him so happy. Linda tells him to completely defeat him in the next contest. Lawrence challenges Adrian to "Keepy-Uppy".
Doofenshmirtz is ready to activate the If-A-Tree-Falls-In-The-Forest-Inator. He coughs and falls over. He hits the button and it knocks over something, causing it to say "Doofenshmirtz". He pushes a button and it begins to spin around. Doofenshmirtz grabs onto it as it spins and just hangs on it. He begins to blather. The inator hits a tree, which falls over, landing in front of the Nostrils' bus. Nostril #3 asks if it actually said "Doofenshmirtz" and #8 thinks they've been on the bus too long. The bus takes a detour. The fans follow the bus. The inator hits random things randomly until Doofenshmirtz falls off and lands on the ground, falling asleep. Agent P comes out of the bathroom with a mirror and makes the If-A-Tree-Falls-In-The-Forest-Inator hit itself, causing it to say "Ztrimhsnefood" as it falls. Perry the Platypus takes a teal blanket out of his hat and places it on Doofenshmirtz, who is sleeping on the floor. Agent P proceeds to walk out after turning out the lights.
In the front yard of the Flynn-Fletcher home, Lawrence and Adrian are playing keepy-uppy. Lawrence kicks the ball really high in the air and falls over. Adrian stops kicking the ball and grabs it, thinking he won. Lawrence gets up and continues to kick the ball once it comes back down, giving Lawrence the victory. Nostril #8 looks out of the window on the bus, thinking he sees a Football X-7 stadium. It's just a mailbox, but there is a real one on the other side of the bus.
Inside the tea room of the stadium, Jeremy realizes Candace is doing this only to get Jeremy to like her more. He messes with her by saying he likes her so much better that way. She eventually realizes it, and goes back to just being normal. Then she tries to bust her brothers. She throws off her hat, which lands on Baljeet. He kicked the ball, which hits him right in the crotch. That hit causes him to howl in pain at the exact note E flat above high C. Since he is wearing a Sunday bonnet and Ferb is there, the curse is broken. Phineas tells Baljeet to pass it to Ferb. Isabella does it instead, since Baljeet is in too much pain. Ferb kicks the ball toward the goal and it goes directly over it. Phineas thinks the curse isn't broken, but Ferb reassures him because "sometimes you just miss". The Nostrils walk into the stadium. Nostril #8 tells Ferb that it's not whether or not you make the goal, it's how good you look while doing it. The coach reminds him that it is about making the goal. When Lawrence is doing his victory dance, Candace runs in and tries to get Linda to come to see the stadium.
Phineas and Ferb give the Football X-7 stadium to the Nostrils and mention the time they gave a monster truck arena to Buck Buckerson. The Nostrils tell their fans to help them get the stadium on the bus, to which they happily oblige. Professor Ross Eforp, now a lot older than shown in the video, happens to be there and removes the bag he used to go into hiding. He sees the football X-7 stadium and yells "I knew it could be done! Professor Ross Eforp can now come out of hiding!". He goes back into hiding, however, because people apparently still do not like palindromes. The Nostrils drive away with the stadium. Candace finally brings Linda into the yard, but the stadium is gone that Candace wants to do something unladylike that Jeremy and Eliza say "That's our girl".
Blond Beckham apologizes for calling Ferb a Yank, and saying he's an exceptional footballer, and a Brit through and through. Ferb says he's not a Brit or a Yank, but just Ferb. After that, the song Nostrils on the Bus was played.
- Vincent Martella as Phineas
- Ashley Tisdale as Candace
- Thomas Sangster as Ferb
- Alyson Stoner as Isabella
- Bobby Gaylor as Buford
- Maulik Pancholy as Baljeet
- Jack McBrayer as Irving
- Caroline Rhea as Mom
- Richard O'Brien as Dad, Additional Voices
- Mitchell Musso as Jeremy
- Dan Povenmire as Dr. Doofenshmirtz
- Jeff "Swampy" Marsh as Major Monogram/Narrator (uncredited)
- Dee Bradley Baker as Perry
- Phil Jupitus as Adrian Fletcher
- Helen McCroy as Lucy Fletcher
- Jane Horrocks as Eliza Fletcher
- Django Marsh as Beckham (blond), Additional Voices
- Daniel Roche as Beckham (half-moon glasses)
- Gary Lineker as Soccer Player #1
- Darren Bent as Soccer Player #2
- Additional voices: Asher Oyelowe, Joseph Wise
- A floating mustache and mouth are seen in the crowd of fans when the Nostrils' bus turns to go around a fallen tree.
- Professor Ross Eforp's name technically isn't a palindrome, since "Professor" is a title and his real name is Ross Eforp.
- The ball goes through the goal post in the background when it shows the narrator when it shows the reporter talking about Football X-7.
- Buford doesn't know that Ferb's British in this episode, but he did in "Not Phineas and Ferb" (this might mean that this episode took place before "Not Phineas and Ferb"). It's more likely, however, that it was part of the gag about Ferb not being considered British by his cousins anymore.
- Doofenshmirtz has noticeable beard stubble when ill; however, in "Crack That Whip" he says that he's unable to grow facial hair.
- Before Eliza starts singing and during the song "How to Be a Lady":
- She has four buttons on her shirt. The book she is holding goes in front of one of the buttons. When she moves the book, the button disappears but reappears once it changes camera views.
- She is holding one book, but when the song starts she puts three on her head.
- Candace's leg is ahead of her skirt.
- The garment that Baljeet returns to Ferb is not a unitard but a leotard, because it doesn't have long legs.
- When Eliza is explaining to Candace what "Anglophile" means, the end of her left arm is missing.
- There's no reason for Carl's nose to be red. If he doesn't have nostrils then he wouldn't be able to blow his nose and make it sore from tissues.
- There are only seven Sniffleton Nostrils players on the bus when there are eleven players on a professional soccer team. However, some of them may have traveled separately.
- When the nets first appear, they have four antennas, but when Phineas kicks the ball into the net, there are only two.
- When Ferb is standing next to Phineas, and he is holding the soccer ball, he has four legs.
- At the end when Jeremy and Eliza appear, Jeremy's skin is darker then before.
- When Baljeet calls for a pass, the socks of the person who passes the ball to him are blue, while Baljeet's team was wearing yellow socks, meaning the other team passed it to him.
- During the soccer game, the timer moves backward. In soccer, the timer goes forward.
- Right when Phineas says "Ferb! The E-flat above high C!", his eyes are bigger than usual but in the next shot his eyes are normal.
- The title, as well as the concept of a woman becoming "proper," are taken from the famous Broadway musical My Fair Lady.
- Phineas breaks the fourth wall by saying "We'll be right back" before a commercial break, and fixing the time of day of the flashback. He and Ferb also breaks the fourth wall by staring in the camera after some dramatic music plays and zooms in.
- This episode reveals Jeremy's family is from Wisconsin.
- This episode reveals Jeremy is an Anglophile.
- Ferb's cousins' names are Beckham, Beckham, Pelé, Beckham, Pelé and Eliza (her middle name is Beckham).
- Ferb's cousin's name, Pelé, is a nickname of a real soccer player. The player's actual name is Edson Arantes do Nascimento.
- According to Doofenshmirtz's message, this episode takes place on a Tuesday.
- Major Monogram is revealed to be a fan of Ducky Momo.
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