"The Ballad of Badbeard" is the second segment of the thirteenth episode of Phineas and Ferb.
Phineas and Ferb with their friends search for the treasure of Badbeard. Meanwhile, Dr. Doofenshmirtz moves into his new lair in Spleen Island. Candace touches the orange moss and "hallucinates", seeing Perry as a secret agent.
Early morning at Camp Phineas and Ferb, Clyde Flynn is playing the trumpet loudly around the tents. Inside Phineas and Ferb's tent, Phineas shoots upward, commenting that it "sounds like someone strangling a cat! It must be grandpa!" He, Ferb, and Perry walk out of the tent, ready for the day. Exiting his and Buford's tent, Baljeet is coughing, exclaiming that he can't believe they ate the same food, to which Buford responds with a burp and a solemn "Believe it!" Walking up to her grandmother, Candace asks where the shower is, but Betty Jo replies sarcastically, implying this is a spa. Candace says she could do without the sarcasm.
After a little bit, Grandpa tells the kids breakfast is over, and it's time to go on their walk to Badbeard Lake. Phineas asks why the name is what it is, to which Grandpa responds by explaining the definition of a lake. Phineas states he means the "Badbeard" part, and so Grandpa explains it was named after Captain Badbeard, the most notorious freshwater pirate to ever plunder a lakeside community. The kids awe at this, and Grandpa goes on to explain Spleen Island, it's legendary curse, and Badbeard's stash of booty. Phineas remarks "Booty?" and so Grandpa explains it means treasure. The kids marvel at this word, and Grandpa colors one of the lenses in his glasses black to look like a pirate. He then starts singing the ballad of Badbeard with Buford playing the concertina.
After Phineas says that the song is very short, Grandpa remarks he didn't say it was much of a song. He then tells them to meet them on the trail in 5 minutes, and they salute him. Stretching out his overalls, Baljeet remarks that he "seems to be missing his underwear," to which Buford answers by laughing and pointing at the flagpole, with Baljeet's boxers waving in place of a flag. In 5 minutes, the kids, Grandpa and Grandma, and Candace are hiking up a hill. Grandpa starts explaining how to be safe on the trail, and brings up the dangers of the Orange Moss. As he explains it's properties, Candace begins getting bored and leans on an orange moss-filled tree, flipping open her cell phone. She complains about the lack of reception, as Grandpa ends his speech. Candace then realizes that she touched the moss, and then backs into the other tree, getting more moss on her skin. She then freaks out and runs off, screaming.
Grandpa then points his wooden walking stick at Badbeard's Lake, and the kids are in awe. Grandpa then points at the center, where Spleen Island lies. He then states that the souls of the failed treasure hunters are lying in Davy Jones' locker. Phineas says that's cool. Grandpa then leads the kids down the dirt steps, singing the ballad as they go. Grandma stops and wonders where Candace is.
Perry is walking mindlessly through the forest, before hopping up and slapping on his fedora, picking up and pressing a button. When nothing happens, he looks around, and is surprised as Agent E swoops down and picks him up and into the sky. She lands in her bird's nest, laying Agent P down and placing on her fedora. A video communicator cracks out of an egg with Major Monogram on it. He greets Agent P, and thanks Agent E. Then he explains to Perry that they are undergoing remodeling, and that his wife is doing it in a Mexican-Country style. Agent E then tries to feed Major Monogram's egg, and he tells her to back off. Once she does, he tells Perry that E spotted Doofenshmirtz on Spleen Island and is moving boxes into the "Cave of the Old Sea Hag." They believe he is making a new hideout, and Perry needs to stop him.
On the tree across from them, Candace has her fingers over her eyes binocular-style and sees Perry salute. Acting hallucinogenic, she comments on the "messed up" happenings in the across nest. She then passes it off that it is the cause of the moss and she is hallucinating. She then wonders how she got up on the tree, and violently falls down, crashing into branches and landing in a bush, coughing. She then sees Agent E fly by and drop off Perry at the docks. Candace then accidentally gets her ankle caught in a rope attached to the wet ski that Perry darts off in. Candace then sees a talking zebra rocking in a rocking chair, who calls her Kevin. She then flies off along with Perry.
At the lakeside beach, Baljeet and Buford are dueling with wooden swords like pirates, while Isabella, Phineas, and Ferb sit inside the boat. Grandpa jogs up, and Phineas decided that they should sail to Spleen Island and find Badbeard's treasure. Grandpa encourages them, and tells him of his youth, when he, attracted by the excitement, searched for the treasure. But then, he "discovered girls and the rest is a blur." Though he didn't find the treasure, he did find the map, and so he pulls it out of his hat. Buford, still dueling with Baljeet, stops and remarks to the treasure. Baljeet hits him in the rear, and then scared runs away from the angry Buford. Grandpa explains then that the treasure comes with a curse, and whoever dares to open it will be cursed with bad beards forever! The kids like this, and Grandpa says he's going to go look for Grandma.
Candace is imagining a psychedelic backdrop around her and multicolored oozing hair as she flaps behind Perry's wet ski. But in reality, she is banging very violently on the water screaming, as Perry ventures inside the Cave of the Old Sea Hag. Ferb unrolls the map on a metal stand. Phineas moves his pointer along the map, commenting on the bad-sounding locations they need to dock through. He then turns and remarks that it sounds delightful. Commenting it's should be "easy-peasy," he says they have to remake Grandpa's "old dinghy." He ask Ferb if he has any ideas, and so he unveils a gigantic, large-shadow casting diagram of a first class pirate ship, and Phineas marks it as impressive.
Perry, meanwhile, zooms inside the cave, as Candace, covered in seaweed, crawls up laughing onto a boulder in the water. She sees Perry very slowly, and laughs insanely. Perry opens a purple door on the wall, and runs inside. Doofenshmirtz asks if it's the cable guy, picking and capturing Perry in a robotic arm. He walks up to him, looking at a piece of paper, complaining that they don't carry the evil science channel, before realizing its Perry. He yells at him to cut him a break that he's moving legally. He bought it cheap, and explains that it apparently is haunted by a "terrifying old sea-hag." He says that just because he's evil doesn't mean everything he does is evil. Perry stares him down disbelievingly, and so Doofenshmirtz says he'll show him evil if he wants to.
On Badbeard Lake, the ship, now just like Ferb's plans, is sailing down the blue. Phineas slams out of the captain's deck, and the group starts singing a longer version of the ballad. After that, the gang mounts onto the island from a small rowboat. They step up mountain side steps, and enter the Tunnel of Doom. Inside, water is leaking, and Ferb is holding up the map as he leads them. Isabella asks Phineas if they're sure their going the right way, and Phineas assures her Ferb has the map and knows where they're going. The Map then flutters off of the cliff side. Phineas tries to assure them, and they then stand across of a rickety bridge. Phineas tests it out, and says it's fine. But when all of them go on the bridge at once, the bridge collapses and they fall through a tunnel onto a giant lizard.
The lizard extends itself and the kids jump off onto a cliff, and run as the beast chases them. They go through dangerous paths and at one point over a two-part cliff, where Isabella yells at Buford for playing around with "nifty hand puppets" They continue to run, and slow down, ending up in a cavern similar to the tunnel of doom. Isabella asks if they really are in the right place, and Buford asks the possibility of no treasure. Baljeet considers the real treasure to be that of friendship and adventure, but the others ignore him, Phineas pointing to a giant door with a red "X" on it to his left. Entering it they see the chest, and Phineas volunteers to open it. Isabella is scared, and Buford reminds him of the curse, followed by Baljeet saying "You don't even have a chin!" Phineas opens the chest, and reveals that it is full of tacky (or "bad") fake beards, wearing one himself.
In Doofenshmirtz's new lair, he has Perry hovered over a hatch, and opens the hatch to reveal two crocodiles named "Susan and Susan," after each other. As they snap at Perry, Candace walks up, laughing crazily and covered in seaweed. Doofenshmirtz yells, scared, that it's the sea hag, and backs off as Candace calls him "the pharmacist!" He trips and sends the button to the floor, Perry now free to escape. Candace tells him she's getting something from the vending machine, though actually pointing to the self-destruct button. Perry tries to stop her, but she clicks the button wanting beef jerky. The alarm rings, and Perry darts off with her to get off the island. Doofenshmirtz struggles to keep the Susans from eating him.
The kids marvel at the beards, all wearing them, as rumbles start to happen from the self-destruct. They grab as much beards as they can, running off with them to the exit of the cavern. The lizard is still clawing at the entrance to the cavern, and chases after them. But he gets stuck as they shoot through a tunnel hastily, seeing the ship through a hole. They slid out and onto the rowboat, sailing away to the ship. Perry keeps running down a tunnel with Candace, jumping off a cliff and into a water-rush, which leads to a waterfall. The two falls out, Agent E grabbing them and flying away, dropping them onto the boy's ship. The island falls into the deep. The kids awe at the amazed of what just happened, as Candace asks Perry (now back to looking mindless) where his hat went. Phineas tells Ferb that it was a great trip, and Ferb remarks it as "perhaps the greatest pirate story ever told."
Grandpa, wearing a purple beard, agrees back at the campsite with this, and inside the tent, Grandma asks Candace (both now wearing beards) how's she feeling. She says she feels better, and then says she needs to stay away from the orange moss. Grandma explains it's actually the blue moss that makes you hallucinate. She says that everything must have been in her head – "the power of suggestion" - and walks off. Candace then accidentally puts her hand in blue moss, and hallucinates the zebra again, who tells her "I love the beard, 'Kevin'."
- Vincent Martella as Phineas
- Ashley Tisdale as Candace
- Thomas Sangster as Ferb
- Alyson Stoner as Isabella
- Caroline Rhea as Grandma Betty Joe
- Dan Povenmire as Dr. Doofenshmirtz
- Jeff "Swampy" Marsh as Major Monogram
- Dee Bradley Baker as Perry
- Bobby Gaylor as Buford
- Maulik Pancholy as Baljeet
- Tyler Mann as Carl (speaking cameo)
- Barry Bostwick as Grandpa (Clyde Flynn)
- Cymphonique Miller as Holly
- Ariel Winter as Gretchen
- Jeff Bennett as Talking Zebra (uncredited)
- In "Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!", Phineas says that their "camp" doesn't have a flagpole, but Buford raises Baljeet's underpants on a flagpole. This may not be an error because Phineas said he doesn't THINK there is a flagpole.
- As Clyde sings the song, Buford plays the concertina. Towards the end of the song, the kids gather around Clyde but Buford doesn't hold a concertina (although the music is still playing).
- When you see the Fireside Girls on the ship, they were never with Phineas, Ferb, and the others, so they shouldn't be on the ship.
- When the gang enters the cave, as Baljeet comes onscreen his shirt stripes are blue for a split second, instead of white.
- Grandma was part of the hiking party when Grandpa warned about the orange moss, but corrected him later in Candace's tent.
- When she is getting dragged by Perry's speedboat, Candace's socks and shoes disappear. However, when she is flown to the boat by Agent E, her socks appear. In the next scene, her socks and shoes appear again. They are later seen by Candace's sleeping bag.
- The first time the group sees the giant iguana, it is partially underwater, but the second time, when they are running to get off the island, there is no water.
- When Agent E flies Perry to her nest, her hat is brown with a black stripe. While Major Monogram speaks, her hat is black with a brown stripe. In the next scene, her hat is brown again.
- When Phineas says "Booty?", the plate he was holding disappears along with everyone else's.
- Gretchen and Holly get seasick when they enter in a ship in this episode, but in "That Sinking Feeling", they don't get seasick at all. This may be explained by them being more used to a ship or the boat used here is more wobbly.
- Near the beginning, when Clyde shows them the lake, Candace has her hand on her hip, her phone in that hand, and her other hand against the moss. When she realizes this, her phone disappears from her hand. Of course, she could have dropped it behind her so we didn't see.
- While in Doofenshmirtz's Lair, Candace calls Doofenshmirtz a "pharmacist". This may be a reference to Run Away Runway where Doofenshmirtz's clones caused a fashion craze for his clothes. When Linda Flynn-Fletcher saw everyone dressed as Doofenshmirtz, she said it was a Pharmacist Convention.
- Phineas' map has many landmarks which are gags: Point Plots (plot point), Sea of Bile, Stones of Gall (Gall stones), Spleen Island and the Cove of Incontinence.
- The Talking Zebra may refer to the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.
- "Badbeard" is an obvious parody of Captain Blackbeard.
- The zebra Candace sees later appears in "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted!" and "Nerds of a Feather".
- This episode marks the first time Candace sees Perry wearing his hat.
- This episode shows that Buford can play the concertina very well.
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